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Archive for November, 2006

The Thing Is

Serenity

The thing is
to love life
to love it even when you have no
stomach for it, when everything that you’ve held
dear crumbles like burnt paper in your hands
and your throat is filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you so heavily
it is like heat, tropical, moist
thickening the air so it’s heavy like water
more fit for gills than lungs.
When grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief.
How long can a body withstand this, you think,
and yet you hold life like a face between your palms,
a plain face, with no charming smile
or twinkle in her eye,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.

Ellen Bass

My Aunt sent this poem to me just a little while ago. I have meant to share it at some point, today feels like a good day to do so.

So when the preverbal shit hits the fan, remember that it will all come out in the wash.

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Porky

I have always had a fascination with porcupines. I don’t know why. This one I just want to hug. 🙂

Empty home

Wasps on the other hand are the flip side of a porcupine. True they have sharp bits, but they work tirelessly to build a home that will only by destroyed by the ravages of winter.

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It has been quite a while since I last wrote. Although I could list of a diatribe of reasons (all of them very good :)) I will not because it is not important why I haven’t but why I am now. I feel that I am on the right track to mental wellness. I went the shrink for the first time in almost a year, earlier this week. I find that the going to the shrink is like having professional cleaners in. I can clean, and I don’t do to bad a job at it when I do, but professionals, do it quicker and far better that I can.

Psychologists just help release the mental dams that are created during life’s events and start mental flush. I am still amazed at what the human brain can do to itself. Some of it in self preservation; what I don’t know can’t kill me although really I know. And sometimes as with a sudden unexpected lost or trauma it seems to be like a computer that keeps running through the same steps to get somewhere, but like a computer it freezes up and needs a serious reboot. Over the last few years I have created many self preservation blocks within my noggin and although I do believe I could eventually release them all, I think that going to the shrink will some how speed up the process. It is like having to heads look at the same problem undoubtedly they will come to a solution faster than one alone.

Another part in my growing and getting well is surrounding myself with extremely high caliber people. People that are non judgmental and that have seen enough of the world and have experienced enough to be able to help me on my journey. I can’t thank my friends enough for helping me work my way through a very dark time in my life. I’m finally at a t point where I am not desperately trying to search for a sense of who I am. I’ve started a nebulous of foundation on which to build my next great empire.

One of the best things that has happened to my psyche is that I no longer feel so desperately alone, for a while there it was awful. The loneliness was the hardest thing that I have had to work through. Sure there are lonely days and sometimes I feel a lone. I don’t feel so utterly lost. I have an inkling of where the path is and I know that it will only get clearer.

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